True Love

It happened just a few weeks ago. I found the one thing millions of people search for their whole lives; I found true love. It was a regular day, mid week, and I had just gotten out of bed. Once again I had a late night at the pub, so I stumbled down the hallway and made it to the bathroom. After throwing up the demons and having a shower my stomach was ready to take in some food. I made myself a pot of coffee, with a touch of Baileys, and by a touch I mean at least half the pot. I cooked up some eggs but I didn’t even bother eating them. After I finished the coffee mixed with glory I was late for work, but I was feeling good. And that’s what it’s all about, right, feeling good? Fuck off. Once I found my car keys I was on the road. With a lit cigarette, some classic rock, and the sun shining I was in paradise. Too bad I was heading to work. Most days while driving to work I would try to come up with a plan to softly crash my car, leaving my body unharmed but the car damaged enough that I wouldn’t be able to go into work. This day was different. I had a date setup that night at 8 o'clock with a girl I had been seeing for a few months. I could tell she wanted to make it official but I hadn't been ready until that very day. I thought to myself, "This is it. Today I'm going to do it. I'll make it official, right after I finish a bottle of rum."

I managed to make it through the day at work; only god knows how. There's so many sharp objects and heavy blunt weapons at the warehouse I work at I'm surprised to make it home every night. Everyday the exacto knife gets just a little bit closer to my wrist when Im cutting open a box. Help me. Anyways, on the way home I picked up a pizza to get that marinara flowing through my Italian blood and then I stopped at the liquor store by my house. As soon as I walked through the main entrance I felt a rush of ecstacy come over me. I thought to myself, "If this isn't heaven, I dont know what is." I headed straight to the rum aisle. The second I got there my eyes were locked on a bottle of Cruzan. I almost fainted just staring at it. I picked it up immediately, paid for it and left. The first thing I did when I got home was pour a rum and coke-half and half-and sat down. For that moment, and that moment only, I was a king. I heard the phone ring a few times as I was finishing my drink but I was in no mood to answer it. I checked the caller ID to find it was-Richelle-the girl I had been seeing. I called her back and we confirmed our plans were still set for 8pm. I hungup, poured another glass, and watched the sun set.

By the time 8pm rolled around I had consumed over half the bottle. I began hoping Richelle wouldnt even show up just so I could sit in peace, finish my rum, and not have to talk to anybody. I enjoyed solitude. Sure enough, just as that thought passed, the doorbell rang. "Richelle! Hows it going?" "Oh you know, just a little tired from work," she said. "Don't you work as a hostess...?" "What does that mean? Im not allowed to be tired? Its not as easy as you think." "Oh no, of course not. I didnt mean it like that. I know a hostess has to go through excruciating physical exercises and mind blowing tests to be qualified for the job." "You're such an asshole, Nick. Are you drunk?" "Am I ever sober? I asked." "I dont think I can do this anymore," she said. "Do what?" "Everytime I comeover you're either getting drunk, already drunk, or wanting to get drunk. I feel like I have to compete with a bottle of fucking alcohol!" "Nobody can compete with my rum, baby." "See what I mean!" "Just calm down, darling. Have a glass of rum." "No! Unlike you, I dont need alcohol to relax." "How about a Xanax?" "You're a child! Im leaving. Call me if you decide to grow up." She walked out the front and slammed the door. Thank god that was over, I thought. I sat back down on the couch and lit a cigarette. As I watched her car drive down the street I felt an enormous amount of relief. I picked up the half bottle of Cruzan, "Looks like its just you and me, buddy." After taking the cap off I tilted my head back and let the rum flow into my mouth like Niagra Falls. It was glorious. I had a long pull, put the bottle down in front of me, and stared at it. "What would you say if I told you I just found true love?" Realizing I was talking to a bottle of alcohol, I quickly snapped out of it. Now, I thought, where did I put that Xanax?