Monday, October 11, 2010

2 Days, 7 Trips, and 12 Minutes in Heaven


“Let’s order a pizza,” Jack said.
“Can you really eat now?”
“I think I can.”
“Bullshit. Have a drink.”
“We’ve got to eat something, man.”
“I’ll get one of the broads to cook us something.”
“They won’t be here for another hour, man, I can’t wait that long.”
“Then order a fucking pizza.”
“Do you want anything?”
“Ask them if they’ll stop at the liquor store on the way here. Tell them we’ll pay extra.”
“I don’t think they do that sort of thing.”
“Well, we’ve got to make one more trip before they get here. This isn’t enough.”
“Aren’t they bringing anything?”
“A bottle of rum, but, who wants to drink that shit. I need some more whiskey.”
“Do you know how much whiskey you’ve had today? Not to mention all the beer and wine man.”
“What are you, my sponsor? Order your pizza.”
He picked up the phone and started dialing.
“Actually,” I said, “I’ll pick it up after the liquor store.”
“Get a couple cans of pop too while you're there.”
“You’re drinking liquor tonight, Jack. I’m not paying for any pop.”
“I’m paying for it.”
“I’m not getting any pop.”
I got up and walked out the front door. Just as I was about to get in my car, Jack came running.
“You forgot the money, man!” he yelled.
He staggered down the stairs and gave me a hand full of cash. It was a lot more than what the pizza was going to cost; lucky me. What was he going to do about it? I had to drive a fair distance again to the cold beer and wine store just outside of town. On the way there I stopped at a pizza parlor and ordered a large for Jack. I told the girl I had to make another stop and I’d be back to pick it up shortly. She smiled before I left, but I was too drunk to care. As I pulled into the parking lot at the liquor store I saw it was no longer deserted. I got out of the car and lit a cigarette and had a look around. There was a young girl standing beside the front door.
“You need someone to buy you some liquor?” I asked.
“No thanks. I’m just waiting for my ride.”
“It’s no problem, really.”
“I can buy my own alcohol, thanks.”
“This place serves minors?”
“I’m twenty two.”
“No shit?”
“I just look young, I guess.”
“That’s not a bad thing, darling. Your boyfriend picking you up?”
“No, my girlfriend is picking me up. I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Damn, a fine girl like you without a boyfriend; that’s not right.”
She smiled. “What’s your name?”
“They call me Nick.”
“They call you Nick? Or your name is Nick?”
“What’s the difference?”
“I don’t know. Some people have nicknames.”
“How can a name and a nickname be the same name?”
“That’s a lot of nicks and names.”
We both laughed. “Why don’t you and your friend come back to my place?” I asked.
“Why don’t you just come to the bar?”
I slipped off the curb we were standing on. “I’m too drunk for the bar. I also have to pick up a pizza for my friend who’s waiting at my house.”
“Your friend cute?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“An easy one to answer. Either he’s cute or he’s not.”
“He’s a guy; he looks like a guy. He doesn’t look like a dog or anything, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I thought men referred to women as dogs?”
“Men can be dogs too.”
“Aren’t men pigs?”
“I actually thought we were all human.”
We both laughed. “Let me grab a bottle of whiskey, I’ll be right back,” I said.
“Don’t be long. I might not be here when you get back.”
“Maybe I should tie you up then, like a dog.”
“Asshole,” she said, smiling.
I went inside and grabbed a bottle of Jameson. Trip number seven; how I’m still standing, I’ll never know. After I picked up a bottle of whiskey I got a bottle of white wine just in case the women didn't have anything. I had no idea what I was going to do about the brunette and her friend now, but at this point I didn't care. I found a couple of new girls and that’s all that mattered. There was a long lineup at the first cashier so I made my way to the other one that was open.
"Looks like these people enjoy standing in lines," I said to the cashier, a middle aged woman.
"What do you mean?"
"Look at them standing there, like a bunch of chickens on a conveyer belt. They could have come over here."
"Maybe they aren't in a rush?"
"Maybe; or it could be you."
"Pardon me?"
"Well, you aren't smiling for one thing. You've got to loosen up, unbutton that shirt and put your hair down. You don't have to look your age," I said, as I paid for the alcohol and got my receipt.
"You son of a bitch!" she yelled. "How dare you!"
"Martha, what’s going on here?" the manager said, as he walked towards her. "What's all this commotion?"
"You've really got a nutcase on your hands. She's threatening me," I said.
"You asshole!" she shouted. "Get out! Get the hell out of here!"
"Calm down!" screamed the manager. "This is a place of business!"
"I don't have to take this shit!" She took off her nametag, threw it on the ground, and walked to the back room.
"That's no way to treat a nametag," I mumbled to myself.
"You quiet down," the manager told me. "What happened here?"
"That woman’s got a lot of problems."
"Never mind! If you want to leave here with that alcohol, you better tell me what happened.”
"Shouldn't you be worried that I'm upset? Isn't the customer always right?"
"You just get out of here. I could smell the liquor on you the second you walked in. This is a nice place, and we don't need your kind around here."
"My kind? It's a liquor store, who do you expect to walk in here, Barney Rubble and a couple of girl guides?"
"I suggest you leave quickly before I phone the police."
I walked out and saw the young looking blond standing by my car having a cigarette.
"What was all that yelling in there?" she asked.
"You heard that?"
"I heard a woman screaming."
"Someone tried to rob the place so I took him down and saved the day."
"Oh really?"
"If I said yes, would you believe me?"
"I don't believe anything a man says."
"Well, you should stop trusting women too."
"Why's that?"
"How do you think we learned to lie so well?"
She laughed. "You're funny. Did you get anything for me?"
"I got a bottle of white wine for you and your friend. Is she going to be here soon?"
"She should be a few minutes. Where do you live?"
"Let me give you my address." I reached into my car and got a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down my address. "It's not too far from here."
"This is right by my house!"
"Oh, good, then you can walk home later."
"I guess so."
"Well, listen, I have to pick up that pizza," I said, as I opened the bottle of Jameson. "I'll see you girls soon."
"Don't kill yourself on the way there."
I got into the front seat, turned the car on, and took a big drink. "Don't worry darling, I won't be killing myself just yet." I pulled out of the parking lot and headed back to the pizza parlor.