Thursday, November 4, 2010

My First Romanian

After finishing my lunch I poured a drink and picked up the phone to call her.
"Hello," she answered.
"Is this Ramona?"
"Yes. Who's this?
"It's Nick. We met at the party last night."
"Remember, I told you I was going to run for Mayor to clean up the city and you went on and on about how you think the city is fine the way it is; which, by the way, is complete bullshit."
"It's not bullshit! I remember you! We shared some whiskey together in the kitchen and I listened to you rant."
"Are you kidding me? That wasn't a rant. I was just trying to enlighten you. I try to enlighten every female I meet."
"Nope! I'm pretty sure I just listened to you rant!" she laughed. "What makes you think females need to be enlightened?"
"They need a lot more than that, darling."
"Is that so?"
"That's why you see more females attending college and university."
"I don't think there's more females in college and university. I've been going to university for two years and I haven't noticed anything like that."
"Obviously not. Nobody has enlightened you on the matter yet."
"You're a cheeky one. Maybe there's more females in college and university because we're smarter and able to accomplish more than a man."
"See, I knew you'd say something like that."
"Of course you did."
"The thing is men already know everything they teach in college and university."
"Then why are their men at colleges and universities around the world?"
"To get laid."
She laughed. "There may be some truth to that, actually."
"Of course there is. Everything I say has some truth to it."
"Only some truth?"
"Well, I'm not going to lie."
"Wouldn't only 'some' truth mean that you are in fact lying?"
"Just forget it."
"Wow, The Great Nick gets stopped in his tracks. That probably doesn't happen to you very often, does it?"
'Young blond Ramona gets tied down to some tracks. That's probably never happened to you, has it?"
"No, I can't say it has."
"Well, let's keep it that way; for now."
"You're evil!"
"Just wait till I'm Mayor."
"I'll personally see that you never become Mayor!"
I took a sip of the drink I had forgotten about.
"Yeah, I'm here. I'm just having a drink."
"Oh, so that's how it is. Alcohol is more important than me?"
"That's precisely how it is."
"Hey! That's not the way to talk to a lady!"
"Whoever said you were a lady?"
"You saw me last night!"
"Do you actually think I remember last night?"
"You remembered me."
"I remembered a blond that stole some of my whiskey. I got your phone number from Anthony so I could collect."
"Collect what?"
"Well, I think you owe me some whiskey."
"Well, I think you owe me some more enlightenment."
"Are you mocking me?"
"I would never do such a thing."
"It's a deal. You give me some whiskey and I'll let you in on some grown up issues."
"Grown up issues? How young do you think I am?"
"Well, hopefully no older than thirteen."
"You're disgusting!"
"I'm kidding. Thirteen is a little too old for me."
"Oh my god…"
"So, do you want to write down my address?"
"After hearing comments like that you expect me to get whiskey plus bring it right to your doorstep?"
"That's the price of intelligence babe."
I gave her my address and she said she'd be over before 8pm.

At about 7:30 I opened a bottle of wine. I knew Ramona was bringing whiskey but I couldn’t wait that long. I had to have something to get my thoughts flowing. She was expecting some sort of information and by the sounds of it, she needed it. I’m going to help this poor girl, I thought; I’m going to change her life.
I heard a knock. “Well well,” I said as I opened the door, “the maid is off tonight so the place may be a bit messy. Also, my lobbyist ate all the food while we were working on my campaign; I hope you’re not hungry.
“I’m fine,” she said, as she took her coat off.
I looked over and noticed how thin her wrists were. My god, I thought, her skin is almost transparent she’s so skinny. She had short blond hair and wore a lot of thick, expensive clothing; probably to hide how skinny she was.
“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat?”
“I’m fine.”
“Seriously, I have food. You can eat if you want.”
“I’d rather have a drink.”
I walked into the kitchen with the whiskey. Not even alcohol can turn this skeleton into a human being.
“Are you going to make me a drink?”
“I’m making one right now.”
“Don’t make it too strong!”
I put the bottle to my lips and let it flow in. I needed a miracle to make this work.
“How do you turn the T.V. on?”
What a great idea, I thought. I can stare at the T.V. and try not to think about her arm shattering if she leans against me. “I’ll be there in a sec.”
“I got it! See, I’m smart!”
She turns a T.V. on and acts like she built a plane engine… from scratch. “Good, good,” I said as I walked into the living room with the drinks, “now maybe you can hand me the remote.”
“I can handle it, don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried. There’s just a show I want to watch.”
“Which one?”
“Saving Private Ryan.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ve never seen it? It’s a World War 2 movie with Tom Hanks.”
“I don’t like war movies.”
“Of course you don’t, you gypsy.”
“I know you’re Romanian.”
She laughed. “How do you know I’m Romanian?”
“You told me last night.”
“I thought you didn’t remember last night?”
“It comes and goes. So, have you ever churned butter?”
“Excuse me?”
“You know, Romanians and all their churning.”
“What the hell is churning?”
“I don’t know. Something Romanians do.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Well, I’m sorry I can’t enlighten you about churning butter. Fortunately, I’m not Romanian.”
“Hey! That’s not nice.”
“Neither is lying about whether you churn butter or not.”
“OK, seriously, I don’t know what churning butter is. Romania is known for skiing and rock climbing, castles, and Transylvania.”
“Oh, right. Dracula and all that shit.”
“Yes, Dracula…” she said.
“Then who churns butter?”
“I don’t know who the hell churns butter or what churning butter even is!”
“I think it’s like making wine. You know how people get in barrels filled with grapes and stomp them with their feet to make wine? I think Romanians get in barrels filled with butter and just slide around in it with their bare feet. That’s got to be what churning is.”
“Who knows?”
“Let’s leave it at that. Romanians in barrels of butter with their bare feet; problem solved.”
I grabbed the remote and put Saving Private Ryan on.
“I told you I don’t like war movies!”
“Let’s watch a little. Learn to enjoy the sound of gunfire and the sight of mutilated bodies and destroyed cities.”
“You’re strange.”
We sat there for a bit watching the movie. I started drinking heavily to take my mind off her body. It was almost unbearable. I couldn’t even look in her direction. I noticed her moving a bit closer to me on the couch.
I stood up quickly. “Another drink?” I asked.
“I’m still finishing this one.”
“That's your first one. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I’ve only been here for 15 minutes. What do you mean what’s wrong with me?”
“I’ve had four drinks already. Plus some wine before you got here!”
“Why did you have wine before I came?”
“I didn’t want to wait for you. You know, girls and being late and all that.”
“I wasn’t late though.”
“I couldn’t take that risk.”
"Fine, pour me another drink."
"Atta girl."
I walked into the kitchen and took another drink straight from the bottle. Jesus, I thought, I'm starting to lose it. Maybe I should just shove some food down her throat?
"Did you want anything to eat now?"
"Just the drink please."
I brought the drinks along with the bottle back into the living room. I'm going to need all I can get.
"Why are you bringing the bottle in here?"
"I'm tired of getting up and going into the kitchen."
"Oh, well, thanks for the drink."
"Don't mention it. It's not like I paid for it," I said as I winked at her.
She laughed. "So, how about my lesson on grown up issues?"
"Not now babe. Look, someone's about to get shot in the head."
"I don't care. I'm not watching this, Nick."
"Well, I am."
"We'll see about that," she said, as she grabbed my head and pulled it towards her. I tried to resist but for a 42 pound girl she had some strength. I started to kiss her then felt a tongue smear accross my upper lip. It moved accross my cheek and then she shoved it violently into my mouth and almost choked me. I pushed her back, not caring if I snapped a limb off her body.
"What's wrong?," she asked.
"Oh, nothing," I said, as I wiped my face off with my shirt. "I just really want to see someone get shot in the face."
She grabbed me again and pulled me till I was laying on top of her.
I jumped up in fear. "Jesus christ!" I yelled. "Are you OK?"
"I'm fine! My god Nick, what's wrong with you?"
"Well, you know, uh, I'm not that light."
"Don't worry about it. I'll be fine," she said, and pulled me in for round 3.
I started to kiss her again from the side and kept my eyes on the movie. I only opened my mouth slightly just in case she tried to choke me again. I felt her tongue thrusting against my lips, trying to find an entrance. It was like the crusades trying to break into a castle to take it over. I wasn't giving in. She started flailing her tongue around rapidly all over the edge of my mouth. This must be how they kiss in Romania, I thought. I reached my hand down and undid her pants carefully. I thought about taking them off, but I started to imagine her hips caving in if I tried. Her mouth started moving more furiously, full of anger. She wanted her tongue in my mouth, but I was holding her off as best as I could. She began punching me in the back. Her fists moved around, hitting my upper and lower back, and moving to my ribs.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked.
She slipped her tongue in my mouth and pushed it around all over. I tried to force it out, but it was too strong. It was the only muscle on her body. I finally managed to get it out.
"Listen," I said, "stop for a second."
"What's with all the punching?"
"It's fun," she said, as she hit me again in the ribs.
"Stop! Seriously, what's wrong with you?" I grabbed the whiskey and had a drink. Maybe the churning butter comment pissed her off.
"That's right, take a drink; man up."
"It only took one drink to turn you into a maniac."
"Man up! Have another drink!" she yelled, as she punched me again in the spine.
"Seriously woman, what the hell is the matter with you!?"
She took her pants off, squirming underneath me like a worm.
"What do you think about that?" she said.
I looked down, hoping for the best. Her thin legs were underneath a pillow, thank god. "It looks great."
"Well, don't just stare at it!" She forced my head down between her thighs.
I went at it hard. If I can't enlighten this broad mentally, I'll do it physically. It tasted sweet, like pure sugar. It was like eating a bag of skittles. "I can taste the rainbow!" I yelled.
"Shutup!" she screamed. "Don't stop!"
I kept going and going as she screamed. I started to slow down, thinking about her body again. It was an awful sight, it really was. I almost came to a complete stop, thinking that she might be a squirter. I stuck my head out from between her thighs, like a soldier in a trench. "Mind if I finish you with my hand?"
"I guess," she said.
I leaned up beside her, making sure I wasn't on top of her and finished her off.
"Oh Nick, that was amazing."
I took a sip of the whiskey. She wasn't a squirter afterall. I took my pants off and looked at her.
"Give me a minute," she said.
Selfish, I thought, like all women.
"Come on now, the whiskey is flowing towards my dick. Once it gets there, the night is over."
"What do you want me to do?"
"What do you mean? Get it done babe."
What the hell is this, I thought. "Just, I don't know, hop on." She got on top of me and laid there like a corpse while I put it in.
"I'm not sure what to do now," she said. "I've never been in this position before."
Dear god, I thought. What kind of gypsy trick is this? "Slide up and down. It's pretty self explanatory."
"Sorry, I've only had sex once before."
I started to get soft. "Just keep going," I said.
"I'm not sure if I'm doing it right."
I was almost completely limp now. I pushed her off.
"What's wrong? Was that bad?"
"Listen, it's hard to concentrate. You keep talking about how you don't know what you're doing. That's not helping. Can you just finish me off with your mouth?"
"Um, well, I've never done that before. I don't know what to do."
And now my dick basically curled into my body. "Ok, well, just use your hand."
She leaned against me and attempted to finish me off with her tiny, boney hands as I finished the whiskey. It wasn't happening so I stopped her. "Forget about it," I said, and put my pants back on.
"What's the matter? Are you mad?"
My phone started ringing; perfect timing.
"Hello?" I answered. It was a friend of mine, Randy. "I'll be back," I told Ramona. I walked out of the living room and went into my bedroom.
"What's up," Randy said.
"Oh, man, I'm in one hell of a situation. You got any alcohol?"
"Of course I do. You want to get out of that situation and come join this situation?"
"What situation are you in?"
"I'm just sitting here, getting black out drunk."
"That's my kind of situation."
"Come on over."
"I'll try to get out of this. See you soon."
I hung up and walked back into the living room. Ramona was still laying on the couch with her pants off.
"Everything OK?" she asked.
"Yeah, that was just my buddy Randy. He's sort of stuck at work because he missed his bus."
"He sort of missed his bus?"
"Well, he missed his bus. He has no way of getting home now."
"How far away does he work?"
"About 20 minutes away. He doesn't have any cash to cab home either. I told him I'd help him out and give him a ride."
"Oh, ok. Do you want me to go with you?"
"Uh, well, uh, do you mind if I just give you a call later?"
"You want me to wait here?"
The brains on this one, I thought. "No, I mean, I can give you a call at your place later, if you don't mind.
"So you want me to go home?"
"Well, I'll be a while, plus I'm pretty tired."
"Fine," she said, in an angry tone.
"Don't be mad," I said. "It's not like I planned this." I walked into the kitchen and had some of the wine I opened ealier. I heard the front door slam hard and that was it; she was gone. I picked up the phone and called Randy.
"Yo," he answered.
"Hey man, I'm out the door in a few minutes. I managed to get this crazy broad out of my apartment."
"Any advice?"
"Yeah, don't ask Romanians if they churn butter.