Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Tougher Than Superman

"I'm going to open a restaurant,” I said.
"Open a restaurant?"
"Yes. Not a fancy one. I just want somewhere I can eat for free."
"You really need to cut back on the booze. You're just talking crazy now."
"I'm serious. I'm going to go out and get a job today so I can start saving."
"It's almost 5 o'clock and you haven’t even gotten dressed. Where do you expect to apply at this time of day?"
"Well, I'll look tomorrow then."
“Your brother is coming tomorrow. You can't cancel on him. He already bought his train ticket."
"God damn it! I'll go sometime this week.” I grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on the couch. “Stop hassling me, will you?"
"I'm not hassling you! I'm just tired of these moods you always get in."
"What moods?"
"You start talking about all these things you want to do. They're always different ways of making money, or different ways of getting stuff for free. In the end, you never do shit!"
"Bah! To hell with you! You'll see, by next week I'll have a job. I'll start saving my money instead of buying you all your useless shit, then, when I have enough to open a restaurant, I'll make sure you're never allowed to eat there!"
"Good! I won't want to eat at your shitty restaurant anyways!" She yelled as she walked out the front door.
I got up off the couch and ran to an open window.
"You better come back here in an hour with a case of beer! You have one hour Sandy, you hear me?! For each minute you're late, I'm throwing one piece of your clothing onto the fuckin street!" I slammed the window shut and lit a cigarette.
What did she know about making money? She only knew how to spend money, like all women. I know I'll be great, and my restaurant will be great. Everyone that comes in will see how great I am, and how great my restaurant is, and that’s all that matters.

It had been almost an hour and I was out of beer. I was getting anxious so I started chain smoking. If I run out of smokes before she gets back, all hell will break loose. Suddenly, the front door opened. It was Sandy with a case of beer.
“Did you get any cigarettes?” I asked.
“No, you only demanded beer, like an asshole. Does it feel good to yell at me through the window, treating me like a servant in front of all of our neighbors?”
“It doesn’t bother me.”
“I know, because you’re a heartless bastard.”
“I have a heart; it’s just cold and black.”
“You make me sick.” She put the beer on the floor beside me. “You better save some for your brother tomorrow.”
“Fuck him, he should be supplying me with beer.”
“You invited him over. You’re the host, so you should supply the drinks.”
“I hate the system.”
“I know, I know. You hate the system, you hate working, you hate life, you hate me, and now you hate your own brother.”
“But I do love myself.”
“Can you open a beer already? Hopefully it puts you in a better mood, or shuts you up.”
“There you go with that mood talk again. You need to relax, hunny.”
“I am relaxed. It’s just hotter than hell outside and I’m tired and hungry. Are we still going out for dinner later like you promised? Or is it just going to be another night sitting on the couch, drinking, listening to you tell me why you’re greater than Superman?”
“Superman isn’t shit! If there were no phone booths, where would he change? Take away the phone booths, and you take away Superman!”
“Here we go again. I’m going to have a nap, try to get up and get ready so we can actually go out tonight.”
“Sure thing, doll. Once I get some of these beers in me, we’ll go out somewhere nice to eat.”
“Of course, somewhere nice, it’s always somewhere nice when I’m paying.”
“Hey! Do you want to take a nap, or do you want me to put you to sleep?”
“Yeah, yeah, tough guy, real tough….” She muttered as she walked into the bedroom.
I am tough, I thought; tougher than Superman, that’s for sure.

About 3 hours later I was 9 beers deep and in desperate need of a cigarette. I forgot all about going out for dinner with Sandy and instead focused on finishing the case of beer and somehow getting some smokes. I walked into the kitchen and saw her purse on the table. I opened it and started looking for some money. I found a $20 hidden nicely in a zip up side pocket. Smart girl, I thought, but not smart enough. I quickly grabbed my shoes from the closet and just as I was opening the front door to go to the store, Sandy walked out of the bedroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Just for a walk, darling. I need to sober up before we go to dinner.”
“Sober up? You never want to sober up. Where are you going?” She turned and saw her purse open on the kitchen counter. “What the fuck is this?! You’re stealing from me again?!”
“No, no, it’s not what it looks like.” Idiot, I thought, how could I leave the purse open like that. “I got a piece of gum in case I run into anyone I know. I don’t want them to think I’m some kind of a drunk.”
“Everybody you know already thinks you’re a drunk! You’re stealing from me again! I knew I shouldn’t have left my purse on the counter! Give me back my money!”
“Babe, calm down. I was going to split a pack of smokes with you. I’m doing you a favor by going to get them myself.”
“I quit smoking 3 months ago!”
“You know, quitters can’t be winners.”
“I’m not in the mood for your jokes! Give me back my money if you ever want to see me carry a case of beer in here for you ever again!”
I handed her the $20. “Does this mean I don’t get any smokes?”
“Are you kidding me? You’re lucky I’m not packing my bags right now. What then? What if I was packing my bags? What would you do without me?”
“I’d probably find someone less likely to catch me stealing from their purse.”
“You are unbelievable. Is everything a joke to you?”
“No, not everything; well, yeah, actually, everything pretty much is a joke.”
“You really need to grow up. And for the love of god, stop stealing from me. And go get ready! I don’t know anyone that isn’t even dressed by this time!”
“It’s only 8pm, the day’s just begun. We’ll go out, have a nice meal, take a stroll to the liquor store, buy some fine wine and a couple packs of-“
“No! I told you, you aren’t getting any cigarettes tonight!”
“Well, that’s a shame, that’s a god damned shame! If I end up killing somebody later, I’m blaming you!” I yelled as I walked quickly into the bathroom.
“Yeah, yeah, here we go with the drama. Just hurry up tough guy.”
I stormed back out of the bathroom. “What was that? What did you say? I’m telling you right now, if I see anyone, anyone at all that resembles Superman, I’ll fuckin kill him!”
“Enough! Go have a shower already!”
I slammed the bathroom door shut. “I won’t forget about this! We’ll talk about this later! Mark my words!” I yelled through the walls.

On the drive to the restaurant I started to feel light headed. The heat was unbearable and the car had no air conditioning.
“I really need a drink, I feel dizzy,” I said.
“You drank enough today, don’t you think?”
“No, you can never have enough.”
“Actually, you can. A lot of people die from alcohol poisoning. What you need is some water. And you know, we’re past the stage where you need to impress me. We live together, so cut the shit.”
“Impress you? I never needed to impress you. I just think if you die from alcohol poisoning, you’re a pussy bitch.”
“And here he is; the tough guy. The big tough guy; dizzy, with no job, no cigarettes, and no alcohol.”
“Just hurry up, would you? Can’t this piece of shit car go any faster? I don’t know anyone that would get a car without air conditioning. I’m dying over here.”
“It’s a car, OK. At least I have a car. Do you have to be so nasty all the time?”
“It’s who I am. It’s too late to change now. I’m a nasty, evil, bad mother fucker; a rebel without a cause. I’m a tough son of a bitch, and don’t you ever forget that!”
“How could I, when you remind me every 10 minutes?”
As we pulled into the parking lot I started to feel a lot better; I knew the alcohol was close. We parked in a spot right beside the front door.
“There, we’re here, happy?”
“Once I get a drink, I’ll be fine as wine baby.” I stepped out of the car and felt a rush of nausea come over me. I leaned over and vomited behind the back tire.
“Oh, for fuck sakes,” Sandy said. “Was that necessary?”
“Yes, now I feel like a million peso’s. Let’s go.”
When we got inside the hostess told us we’d have to wait 20 minutes for a table; just my luck.
“This is horseshit!” I said. “Can we at least wait at the bar?”
“I’m sorry sir, the bar is full. We have some chairs behind you that you can sit on while you wait.”
“Do I look tired or something? Do I look like an old man? I don’t need a fucking chair, I need a drink.”
“Nick! Shut up and sit down!” demanded Sandy.
“I’m not waiting here! Let’s go, I saw a place next door that probably serves drinks. I doubt they’ll treat us like a couple of animals!”
“Sir, can you please calm down? We can serve you a drink here if you’d like.”
“There you go! Now, say thank you!” Sandy said.
“Fuck that; get me a double rum and coke. Actually, get me a bottle of Heineken. No wait, get me both.”
“You’re such an asshole, Nick.”
“I’m too thirsty for politeness!”
“It’s OK, mam. And would you like anything for yourself?”
“No, thank you.”
“See, you’re polite enough for the both of us,” I said. “Can we smoke in here?”
“No, I’m sorry sir, smoking is not permitted in doors. It hasn’t been for many years now.”
“You knew that anyways!” Sandy shouted. “You don’t even have any smokes. Stop causing problems; you’re acting like a child!”
I sat down and kept quiet till the drinks came. I didn’t want to piss Sandy off too much, she was paying after all. I also knew I could get her to stop at the liquor store on the way home if I didn’t fuck anything else up.
“A rum and coke for you, and a Heineken for the lady,” the waiter said, as he handed us the drinks.
“No pal, they’re both for me.”
“I apologize.” He grabbed the Heineken and put it beside the rum and coke. “Enjoy your evening.”
“Wait a second, buddy,” I said.
“Nick, don’t start. I’ve dealt with enough shit tonight.”
“Quiet for a minute, I just want to ask him a question.”
“Did you need something, sir?”
“Where do you get off handing me a little rum and coke, and handing my woman a beer? Do I not look manly enough to drink a beer? Do I look like someone who doesn’t drink beer? Does she look like a man, a big manly woman that just drinks beer all day? What the fuck is your-“
“Enough!” screamed Sandy. “Just shut the hell up and have a drink!”
The waiter walked off back into the kitchen.
“What did you do that for? The guy was begging me to kick his ass!”
“You don’t have to prove you’re tough anymore! I’ve seen you fight enough people. You want to fight every guy you see!.”
“And I’ll beat them all! Don’t think that I can’t; don’t think for one second that I can’t!” I finished my beer and got up to go to the washroom. “Make sure none of these deadbeats take my rum and coke, you hear me?”
“Just go, tough guy.”
I walked slowly in a drunken state. I passed by a few waitresses, slurring some inappropriate comments about their bodies, and finally made it to the washroom. When I walked in it smelt clean, too clean, like someone had just finished scrubbing every inch with a bar of soap. I locked the door and walked right to the middle of the room.
“These son of a bitches think they can do whatever they want, to whoever they want. I’ll show them they can’t fuck with me!”
I unzipped my pants and started pissing all over the floor. I stumbled over to the sinks and soaked them with piss. I got the stall doors, the urinals, the heaters, the paper towel dispenser; I covered the whole bathroom. It was an amazing site to see. I zipped my pants up and stood back for a minute, staring, like I was looking at the most beautiful piece of art.
“Not so clean now, are ya?
I came out of the bathroom with a big grin on my face and hurried back to Sandy-and my drink-but she wasn’t there.
“Excuse me,” I said to the hostess, “where did my rum and coke go?”
“Your wife took it with her to your table. Follow me please.”
“My wife? I’d rather be dead.”
I followed her to a small table in the back where Sandy was sitting with my drink.
“Your waitress will be with you in a few minutes.”
“It better not be the same son of a bitch that brought me these drinks, because I’ll drop him like a sack of bricks!”
“Thank you very much,” Sandy said to the hostess, before she could react to my belligerence.
“Your welcome. Can I get you guys a drink while you look over the menus?”
“Nothing for me,” said Sandy.
“Another Heineken, sir?”
“Your goddamn right another Heineken. Another rum and coke too, I’m worried someone tampered with this one.”
“Tampered with it?” said Sandy.
“I’m a very cautious person, with a lot of enemies.”
“You’re something else, Nick, you really are.”
“Also, can you bring us some of that free bread? I feel like I’m going to vomit again.”
“The waitress will bring out the rolls with butter when she comes to take your orders. Thank you, and have a pleasant evening.”
I watched as the hostess walked over to the bar.
“She’s something, isn’t she?” I said. Look at that ass, back and forth, back and forth as she goes. She walks like a tiger, hunting its prey; it’s mesmerizing.”
“If it wasn’t because of her job, she wouldn’t even consider looking at you twice,” said Sandy.
“Are you kidding me? Look at me, I’m a beautiful bitch. Features like these are a gift from God; I got the face of an angel baby.”
“Yeah, sure, an angel that lost its wings in mid air and plummeted face first onto the concrete. You’re so handsome, I’m just so lucky to be with such a handsome, gorgeous man.”
“Well, I must’ve won some sort of lottery, to get a prize piece like you; with your flabby tits, saggy ass, and the ability to act like road kill during sex.”
“Did you ever think that I act like road kill, because you can’t fuck for shit?”
“Did you ever think that I don’t give a fuck about pleasing you? I want to get in and out as fast as I can, like the dentist.”
“Did you just compare sex to the dentist?”
The hostess snuck in with the fresh drinks and took the old rum and coke that was possibly tampered with. Sandy and I were too involved in our own conversation to even acknowledge her.
“I’m not comparing sex to the dentist. I’m saying your pussy is like the dentist, and my dick just wants to get in, and get the fuck out!”
“Well, maybe my pussy will cancel all your current appointments. Maybe my pussy will just completely close down, forever, because all dicks seem to have an asshole attached to them!”
I ignored her and took a long drink of my beer and finished nearly half of it.
“I hope you choke on that expensive beer,” she said, in an angry tone.
“Maybe if you drank more frequently, you wouldn’t be such a moody bitch.”
“Oh, I’m moody? This is coming from you? Mr. I hate the world and everything in it. You can’t even crack a smile without alcohol.”
“Don’t be jealous by the fact that alcohol gives me a lot more than you do. Liquor just, I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, it gives me something no woman ever could. How do I put this, it gives me happiness,” I said sarcastically.
A waitress walked over with a basket of rolls and a plate of butter. She put it in the middle of the table and told us it was hot, and that she would be back in a few minutes so we could look over the menu some more.
“What are you going to order?” asked Sandy.
“I don’t think I’m going to get anything. I’m happy with this free bread, my beer, and my rum and coke.”
“I knew this would happen.”
“I knew you were only coming to dinner for some drinks. I knew you weren’t going to eat.”
“Yet you didn’t say anything?”
“Whatever, I’m used to it.”
“Atta girl. What are you going to order? Get the most expensive thing on the menu. I want only the best for my baby.”
“Just, shut up.”
The waitress walked back slowly, as I stared at her chest blatantly, and asked if we were ready to order.
“I’ll just have a chicken salad; nothing for him,” Sandy said.
“More bread, actually.”
The waitress wrote it all down and picked up our menus. “It should be about 15 minutes.”
“In that case, bring me another Heineken,” I said, just before finishing my rum and coke. “And you might as well take this glass away.”
She picked up the glass and I watched as she walked over to the bar. She looked better from the front.
“Now, see, the hostess has an incredible ass, and a sexy walk. This one, this waitress, she just doesn’t have it. She’s got a nice set of tits, but nothing from the back. She walks like she got fucked by a horse all day; it’s awkward and unbalanced.”
“You have something to say about everyone, don’t you?” Sandy said.
“I find it funny. When I open my restaurant, I’m not going to have a mix. I’ll have every waitress walking around topless, like they want to fuck every guy in the place.”
“So you’re going to open up a strip club?”
“Don’t get smart with me. It will be a classy restaurant, with a lot of tits, and a lot of alcohol.”
“That’s a strip club.”
“You know what, just forget it, you won’t be allowed in anyways; unless you need a job. But if that’s the case, you’ll need to get some plastic surgery on those little cupcakes.”
“First of all, I’d never work at a strip club, especially not one owned by you.”
“It’s not a fucking strip club!”
“Second of all, how dare you compare my breasts to little cupcakes. I don’t believe some of the sewage that comes out of your mouth sometimes.
“It’s not sewage. Everything I say should be quoted, copy written, and stored in a locked facility. I always speak the truth. There hasn’t been one time that you’ve said something more intelligent than me. There will be stories about me in the future, you’ll see, I’ll be a legend forever!”
“Sure you will; a legendary asshole.”
“That’s good enough for me. Oh, here comes our food,” I said, as the waitress walked towards us.
“You mean my food.”
“Alcohol is considered a meal to some people.”
The waitress gave Sandy her salad and put the fresh drinks in front of me.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” I said.
“The bread will be another few minutes,” the waitress told me.
“Thank you,” said Sandy.
I finished my bottle of Heineken as the waitress walked back into the kitchen. Sandy was a slow eater, so I knew I could get at least 2 or 3 more bottles in me before we left. We didn’t talk as she ate, so I looked around at the other customers like they were peasants. I finished my beers and got a few more before Sandy finished, and asked someone beside us if they had a cigarette, but they didn’t. I thought about the piss filled bathroom, and wondered why nobody had complained yet, then considered going back for round 2, but Sandy was just finishing up and I was on my last beer. The waitress came to take the dishes and gave me the bill, which I handed to Sandy, before finishing the rest of my beer. I stood up as Sandy was putting together the money, took one last look at the waitress’ rack, and stumbled outside to piss behind the building in case someone accused me of defiling the bathroom. A family pulled into the parking spot beside the bush I was watering, but I was too drunk to care.
“That’s the opposite of what you should be when you’re older,” the father told his son as they stepped out of the car. “Those type of people ruin society.”
“Is he a bum, dad?” the son asked, as he watched me zip up my pants.
“Yes, son, he is a bum. Don’t stare at him; he might try to rob us.”
“I don’t need your fucking money!” I yelled. “I just need to put my fist through your head!”
“Oh my god!” the wife shouted.
“Get inside, everyone!” screamed the father.
“Yeah, you better run! I know who you really are, Superman! You can’t hide from me! Where’s your phone booth? Where you going to change? Get inside, and stay inside!”
Sandy walked out of the front door as the family frantically ran inside.
“Were they running from you?” she asked.
“No, no, I think they’re just hungry. They asked me for some spare change, the cheap fucks. It’s those types of people that ruin society.”
“They didn’t look like they were poor.”
“Trust me, Sandy; they were like sewer rats, all of them. The guy even told me he pissed all over the bathroom inside. What a degenerate.”
“That’s disgusting. Maybe we should go tell the manager.”
“Let’s just get in the car and head to the liquor store. Fuck this place.”

The second we got home I started going through the ashtray for leftover butts. I poured the tobacco out of a few and rolled it into a full smoke as Sandy stood there, staring at me.
“Now who’s the degenerate?” she said.
“It’s the end of the road here. I’m at the point of no return. I don’t give a shit anymore, I need this.” I lit the cigarette and instantly felt better. “My lungs are in heaven.”
“Can you put this shit away?” she said, holding the bags from the liquor store.
“Put it away? Give it here,” I said, as I grabbed the bags. “I’m going to start with the rum. You take the white wine.”
“Right, right, because you don’t drink white wine. White wine is for pussies.”
“White wine is for pussies! Red wine is a man’s drink. It’s bitter and dry, and sometimes rough. White wine is sweet and light, with fancy names like Chardonnay and Riesling. And the way I see it, sweet, light, fancy named drinks are for faggots!”
I finished my cigarette as Sandy got the corkscrew and some glasses. It had gotten a bit cooler since the sun set but it was still warm enough to complain about.
“Open the windows while you’re up,” I said.
“It’s not that hot out. You’re just warm because you’re drunk.”
“Don’t tell me what I am, just open the windows. What does it matter what I’m hot from? Either way I’m hot.”
She opened the windows and the front door, and put the glasses on the table in front of me.
“Do you need anything else, because once I sit down and pour this wine I’m not getting up,” she said.
“I just need a pack of cigarettes.”
Sandy opened the wine bottle and poured herself a glass. I sat up and filled a glass half full with rum.
“Where’s the coke?” I said.
“What coke?”
“You know; the coke that’s mixed into rum; the coke that is half of a rum and coke; the fucking coke that I need to pour into this glass to have a rum and coke!”
“You didn’t say anything about any coke.”
“That’s because I thought you were getting it!”
“You never told me to get it. You told me to get wine and rum. What’s the big deal anyways, you’re drunk, just drink it straight.”
“You don’t know your ass from your hand!” I put the rum in the fridge and grabbed the bottle of red wine from the bag. “Now I got to slam this to feel anything close to what that rum would’ve done to me.”
“Or you could just drink it normally like a civilized person.”
“Sandy, don’t start with that bullshit. You know my tolerance is incredible. The amount of liquor that I need to get drunk could tranquilize a full grown rhino. So don’t start with that drinking ‘normal’ garbage, because you know I’m not normal.”
She picked up a magazine and sipped on her wine. It was a mutual agreement we made a long time ago that I could drink myself silly and complain about the world and she would either pretend to listen, or listen without getting angry. So I continued.
“I could drink a whole bar under the table. It’s weird, you know, I hate Superman so much, but I feel like I’m the Superman of drinking.” I put the bottle to my mouth and let the red wine flow down my throat like a waterfall. “Goddamn that’s amazing! It’s instant gratification. I got to say, I could be a psychiatrist. People would come in and tell me about their problems, they’d cry and I’d call them pussies and whiners and then I’d ask if they drink. The ones that drink and are still bitching like little girls I’ll offer a loaded handgun and a bottle of whiskey to, but the ones that don’t drink I’ll just to prescribe them with 40% liquor. And trust me I’ll change their lives forever.”
“Do you even realize what you’re saying half the time? You sound like a maniacal, evil psychopath. You’re saying you’d tell people who come to you, looking for support and medical help, to either get drunk and shoot themselves, or just drink until they forget about their problems?”
“You’re just confusing me now.” The wine was sinking in nicely. “I’ll just shoot everybody that looks like Superman. Then I’ll drink, I’ll drink everything I can get my hands on!” I started swaying around the kitchen, trying to catch my balance.
“I think you should go to bed. You’re going to fall and break something.”
“Maybe you should go to bed! You think I can’t handle this? You think I’m too weak? This is how weak I am!” I held the wine just above my mouth and poured the rest in. Just as I finished I dropped the bottle and the glass shattered everywhere.
“Get to bed!” yelled Sandy. “You’re going to ruin the house and hurt yourself!”
I sat down on the floor and stared at the fridge. “Get some coke,” I muttered. “We have to finish the rum. The rum won’t finish itself. Get the rum, just get the rum.”
Sandy came over and helped me get up off the floor. “You’re a real son of a bitch, you know that? It’s amazing how many times I have to help you walk to your own bed.”
“I’m still tough,” I slurred. “I’m tougher than tough.”
“I know, I know, you’re tougher than Superman.”
I rolled onto the bed and instantly passed out, as Sandy stood there, staring at me, wondering where her life went wrong.

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